It's All Because of that damn hammer
by Wolfling21
Summary: post AoU with spoilers! Clint has opened his home to the avengers with some amusing and weird consequences. And most of them involve Mjolnor. Crack fic! And one event in the movie does not happen!
1. It's all because of that damn hammer

**_Author: this is what happens when I'm wacky for AoU, bored and tired. And has anyone else noticed that scenes involving Mjolnor, aside from the fight scenes, are hillarious_**

Clint realized a while back that he shouldn't be surprised to find crazy shit happening in his house.

Not after he had left the Avengers with invites to visit whenever they wanted.

Not much happened when Steve came around, except that Cooper was constantly trying to play with his Shield and Lila was always asking him to color with her.

Nat was a part of the family, so aside from his kids learning a bit of Russian here and there, nothing out of the ordinary happened.

Tony came around often enough, which usually led to plenty of late nights spent drinking, talking and fixing anything that even looked like it needed fixing in the house.

The tractor got fixed and the roof got finished, so Laura was happy.

Thor and Vision didn't visit much, even though the kids were constantly amazed by both.

But when he opened his home to Pietro and Wanda, things got... wierd.

And somehow it all seemed to involve Thor's hammer.


	2. Princesses none the less

**_Author: this one ended up more cute than funny. But none the less, it's adorable. I own nothing_**!

"I really wish Thor would stop leaving that hammer of his laying around in the house." Laura sighed, tossing a dish rag onto the counter.

"You, Tony and Me babe. At he's not destroying the house with it like he did the helicarrier. Or part of the Tower at one point." Clint told her.

"Where is our Asgardian?" Laura asked.

"Outside. He, Steve and Tony are hauling some old wood out back for the bonfire later." Clint said, peeking out the kitchen window.

Tony had an arm around Steve's shoulder and the soldier was smirking at whatever the billionaire was saying.

Thor dumped another arm full of wood on the pile before he tossed an arm around each of their necks and leaned in to listen.

Whatever Tony was telling Steve sent the Asgardian into wild laughter and Steve pulled away, ruffling Tony's hair.

"As much as those two didn't get along at first, they're practically brothers now." Clint whispered.

"I figured they would be eventually. They fight the way brothers do." Laura smiled, sliding an arm around his waist.

"I wouldn't know." Clint sighed, squeezing her hand.

The baby monitor on the counter crackled and then they both hear their youngest son crying upstairs.

"I'll got get Nate. He's probably hungry." Laura told him.

"I'll go check on the rest of the kids." Clint agreed.

"Cooper and Pietro are outside. Pretty sure Cooper is seeing how fast Pietro is." Laura laughed.

Clint shook his head, knowing it would have something to do his oldest Biological son shooting arrows at his adopted brother.

Wanda and Pietro were too old to legally adopt since they were 20, but that hasn't stopped any of the Avengers from making Fury's life hell until he agreed to let the twins stay with Clint's family.

Lila and Cooper had been tickled to have older siblings and the twins had been grateful... Even though Pietro never said it aloud.

Baby Nathaniel would never know that Wanda and Pietro weren't his actually siblings, just like he'd never know the Avengers weren't actually his uncles and aunt.

"Let's go see what the girls are up to." He chuckled.

"Can you pick it up with your magic Wanda?"

"I do not know. But I will try."

Clint headed out of the kitchen and stuck his head into the living room.

Wanda was staring at Mjolnor, which was glowing bright red as Lila watched.

"No... It will not move." Wanda panted.

"Girls what are you two doing?" He chuckled.

Wanda jumped and spun to face him, turning almost as red as her skirt.

"We're trying to be princesses daddy!" Lila chirped.

"What does trying to pick up Thor's hammer have to do with being princesses?" Clint smiled.

"The story says that whoever can pick up the hammer will wield the power of Thor. Would that not make us princesses?" Wanda asked, cocking her head.

"I guess it would." Clint shrugged.

"So if we lift It, we become princesses?" Lila giggled.

"That's a good guess." Clint admitted.

"Yay!" Lila shouted and grabbed ahold of Mjolnor's handle before giving it a tug.

Clint laughed and pulled out his phone to record his girls both trying to pick up Thor's hammer.

He'd show it to the rest of the family later.

But for now... He wanted this little moment for himself.


	3. Lightning and the Roadrunner

**_Author: yay another chapter. I only have one more idea and that involves baby Nathaniel. So suggestions would be helpful. Enjoy._**

Clint rubbed his eyes and grabbed a shirt off the floor.

"Clint?" Laura whispered.

"Go back to sleep babe. I thought I heard something outside so I'm just gonna step out and see what it was." He whispered.

"Okay... Check on the kids?" She yawned.

"When I come back up." He said.

They had a full house with almost all the Avengers visiting.

Nat was on a cot in the nursery with Nathaniel.

Steve and Sam were bunking together in the guest bedroom.

Tony had taken the couch in the living room and Bruce was on a pallet.

Vision didn't need to sleep so he tended to stay up either wandering the property or reading.

Cracking the door open, Clint stepped outside and onto the porch.

"Greetings." Vision whispered.

Clint nodded and stared up at the lightning lacing the sky. "Thor?" He yawned.

"Yes he recently returned from Asgard. And Pietro is with him." Vision told him.

"Why?" Clint asked.

"I believe there was talk of moving Thor's hammer. I suggested they remove themselves from the yard. They are in the clearing in the woods, the one the path leads to." Vision told him.

Clint nodded, knowing exactly where they were. "Would you mind checking on the rest of the Avengers? And my children... All four of them that are in the house at the moment at least?" He asked.

"Of course. Would you like me to inform Laura of your whereabouts? And the status of your children as well?" Vision asked.

"Yeah. And when you go to inform her, knock on the door a few times. Gently and quietly." Clint said, pulling on a pair of boots.

Vision nodded and disappeared into the house while Clint headed into the woods.

The lightning was flashing every few seconds and there was a miniature tornado in the clearing.

"What the fuck are you two doing!?" Clint shouted.

"Friend Barton!" Thor shouted.

The tornado came to a stop and Pietro sat on the ground, panting and glaring at Thor's hammer.

"What the hell were you trying to do Roadrunner?" Clint asked Pietro.

"They say you can only pick up the hammer if you are worthy. I wanted to know if a very strong wind, like what I create with my speed, could move it." Pietro panted.

Clint shook his head and said, "Your sisters tried to do something similar a few weeks back."

"Wanda and Lily?" Pietro asked.

"Yeah. Come on back to the house and I'll show you the video. But first you need food." Clint said, grabbing Pietro gently to help him to his feet.

"Yes dad." Pietro quipped.

"Shut up Roadrunner. And Thor, please don't leave that hammer on any of the tables. I think it's starting to bother Laura." Clint chuckled.

"Of course." Thor said, grabbing Mjolnor.

Clint led them inside and found Laura in the kitchen feeding Nathan.

"Welcome back Thor. And why were you outside Pietro?" She asked.

"You get to explain that one while I go upstairs for my phone." Clint told Pietro as he put some leftovers in the microwave.

"May I use your shower?" Thor asked.

"Yeah come on. I'll get you some clothes and stuff to make a pallet with." Clint told him.

"Is everyone here?" Thor asked.

"Yeah Banner and Tony are in the living room, which is about the only place we have room left." Clint said.

Thor went to shower after Clint found him some clothes and then went back downstairs.

"Watch that while I go toss some blankets on the living room for Thor." Clint told Pietro.

Pietro took the phone and pressed play on the video while Laura sat down beside him to watch.

Tony rolled over when Clint walked by and muttered, "What's going on?"

"Thor just got in. He and Pietro were out in the woods fucking around." Clint whispered.

"Heard the baby crying." Tony yawned.

"He was just hungry. Laura's in the kitchen with him and Pietro right now." Clint told him.

"You outta build a guest house." Tony suggested.

"Maybe... I'll think on it. Go back to sleep man. You've got to fly back to LA in the morning remember?" Clint said, ruffling the billionaire's hair.

"Yeah dad." Tony muttered, rolling back over.

Clint sighed and shook his head, wondering when the hell he had become dad to most of the team.


	4. The Would Be Baby Prince

**_Author: I think my ovaries exploded with the cuteness of this one. Yay for baby Nate!_**

"Nate, what are you doing?" Natasha cooed, picking her nephew up.

"Getting into all sorts of trouble no doubt." Laura laughed from the hall.

"Na." The baby giggled, grabbing at Natasha's hair.

Natasha smiled and shook her head, making Nate screech happily as he tried to grab her hair.

"He loves anything shiny. Or pretty. I found Clint passed out on the couch once with Nate on his chest and Nate had Clint's dog tags in hand. I think he tried to chew them." Laura smiled.

"You know you just gave me a story to use for blackmail against Clint." Tony said, as he walked in.

Natasha shook her head and said, "Laura and I are the only ones allowed to blackmail Clint."

"Nope. Come see Uncle Tony you little rugrat." Tony chuckled, gently taking Nate from Natasha.

Tony didn't like kids much but Clint's kids... he adored.

Nate grabbed Tony's aviators and started to chew on them. "Still getting little chompers?" Tony teased.

"He just got one tooth and I'm pretty sure he's getting a second." Laura told Tony.

At nine months old, Nathaniel was teething, crawling and trying to talk. So far he could only say, "Na. Ma. And Da."

Which of course were his way of asking for his aunt, mother or father.

Tony bounced Nate gently on his shoulder as Laura and Natasha disappeared into the kitchen.

"So kiddo, where's the rest of the family?" Tony asked.

Clint, Steve, Sam and the twins were out on a training mission in Spain and weren't due home for a while.

Lila and Cooper were in school.

Vision and Thor were out on the property somewhere, but Mjolnor was laying on the floor of the living room.

Banner was still at the mixed Avengers/SHIELD complex working on something with Selvig.

"Da?" Nate asked, abandoning the Aviators in favor of grabbing at Tony's shirt.

"Your dad's off working with the twins." Tony told him, sitting down on the floor with Nate in his lap.

Nate gurgled and crawled out of his lap to investigate Mjolnor.

"You want to be a little prince of Asgard like your sisters wanted to be princesses?" Tony chuckled, pulling out his phone to record this.

Nate sat down and patted Mjolnor a few time before pulling at it. When it didn't move, he crawled around it curiously.

"You are definitely your dad's kid." Tony whispered, shaking his head.

Nate flopped down on his tummy and decided to gum Mjolnor's hammer.

"As cute as this is kiddo... I don't think your mom or aunt will be too happy with me for letting you do that." Tony sighed, putting his phone away and pulling Nate back into his lap.

Nate fussed a little until Tony found the next best thing for him to chew on... A small stuffed Mjolnor that one of the family had bought the baby.

"It won't make you a prince sorry." Tony smiled.

"Please tell me you got all of that on video." Laura giggled as she and Natasha retreated back into the kitchen.

"Definitely. Next time Tony says anything about blackmailing Clint you can show him this." Natasha laughed.


	5. In Which Clint Gets Revenge

**_Author: I should not be writing at 3am, it creates very odd stories. Anyways warnings: language, a hungover avenger, Booze, smartass Pietro and Clint being a dick._**

"What's wrong old man?"

He knows that voice... it belongs to his twenty something year old "adopted" son.

Clint groans and rolls over, burying his face in the pillow on the couch.

He has a headache from hell and Pietro is only making it worse.

"Drink too much?" the speedster teases as a cold bottle touches his arm.

"If that's anything but water I will kill you." Clint growls

The bottle brushes his cheek and he opens one eye to look at it.

It's a brown bottle and it smells like alcohol.

"I didn't get drunk last night." Pietro smirks, withdrawing the bottle.

The team had been up most of the night out in the front yard: drinking, fucking around... And trying to pick up that damn hammer of Thor's

According to some Hydra file Natasha had read, Pietro's metabolism burned of alcohol pretty quickly so he had to drown in booze to get drunk.

Lucky little bastard.

Clint sits up, squints at Pietro and growls: "Run."

The speedster needs no further prompting... he never does.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Steve is stretched out in the porch swing as Clint staggers outside, clutching his bow.

"How come Pietro is running circles in the yard?" the super soldier asks.

"Because I told him to run." Clint groans, putting his shades on.

"Why?" Steve inquires

"You'll see." Clint promises, aiming an arrow at the silver and blue streak in the yard.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Pietro doesn't slow down when he sees Clint aim an arrow at him... they've done this before.

Clint gets angry, he runs off, Clint shoots at him and always misses.

So when he suddenly feels a sharp pain in his ankle, he skids to a halt.

Or tries to...

Instead he tumbles head over heels for a few yards before coming to a stop on his back.

There's an arrow through his ankle.

"Damn you old man!" He yells.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Clint smirks when Pietro continued to yell in a mix of English and Sokovian.

"How did you...?" Steve asks.

"My little secret." Clint whispers.

"I hate you!" Pietro bellows.

"That's what you get for being a pain in my ass!" Clint yells over his shoulder before heading back inside.

"One day old man, I will shove those arrows up your ass!"

Clint smirks as he collapses on the couch and mutters, "Good luck with that you little shithead roadrunner."


	6. Even Dad Needs Looking After

**_Author: I'm back! It's been a crazy summer and I'm so sorry I was away! I saw Ant-Man and Pixels! Anyways... Niom suggested this idea while back and while it may not be exactly what she/he was expecting, I tried. Warning for language and blood._**

"Son of a bitch!"

"Clint?!" Steve and Natasha both shouted.

Clint crouched behind a broken wall and shouted, "Some bastard caught sight of me and decided to shoot at me. Then his buddies joined in."

"Can you get out?" Steve asked.

A portion of the wall exploded, peppering Clint with shards of cement and mortar. "Not without a distraction and some cover fire." He growled.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Pietro skidded to a stop near Natasha and glanced in the direction of where he knew Clint was.

"I can go get him." the speedster panted.

Natasha looked at Steve before nodding to Pietro.

He was fast and only getting faster the more he trained.

"You are not going without me." Wanda protested.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Wanda! Pietro! Listen to me! Stay with Natasha and Steve. Watch their backs. Do NOT rush into this to extract me!" Clint snapped.

"We can not leave you there!" Wanda shouted.

"You can and you will!" He snapped back as a bullet flew past him.

"We are not leaving you." Steve told him.

"Cap! I've got a visual on the group shooting at our Hawk! I can take them out but I'm gonna need a bit of help!" Tony shouted.

"Thor! Go with Tony and take out the group shooting at Clint." Steve commanded.

"Stay where you are friend Hawk! We will destroy our enemies and retrieve you." Thor boomed.

Another bullet flew by Clint and he shouted, "Whatever just make it fast!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Pietro growled and glanced at Steve and Natasha.

"Pietro." Wanda said, squeezing his hand gently.

"I am not going. But I do not have to like it." He muttered.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"What is that!?" A Hydra agent shouted as lightning lit up the sky.

"One of the Avengers!" another agent shouted.

Lightning danced across the ground, scattering the agents and setting fire to their spare ammunition.

Tony laughed as he soared overhead, watching the agents trying to avoid the lightning.

"Hey Clint? You seeing this?" He cackled.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Clint groaned and said, "Sorry Stark but I'm missing the show."

"You okay?" Tony asked, hovering nearby.

"Define okay." Clint whispered.

"I'll take that as a No." Tony said.

Clint glanced up as Tony landed beside him and whispered, "Hey."

"Damn." Tony hissed.

Clint was bleeding heavily from one shoulder and there were more smaller cuts on him that the billionaire could count.

"Don't joke about me going through another window yeah?" Clint chuckled.

Tony laughed and said, "No worries Hawk. Just show me where it hurts."

"Not enough fingers for that." Clint groaned.

"Hey guys... We need to get our Hawk out of here. Looks like he's been shot in the shoulder and caught a lot of shrapnel." Tony said.

"How bad is the bleeding?" Steve asked.

"Pretty bad. I think he's lost quite a bit." Tony admitted.

"Yeah. At least a pint." Clint mumbled.

"Put pressure on the worst wound. I'll be there soon." Natasha piped up.

Tony disengaged his suit and put it into sentinel mode before crouching down next to the archer.

"You still with me buddy?" the billionaire asked.

"Kinda. Took a bullet. Richoeted off a chunk of metal." Clint whined when Tony pressed against his shoulder wound.

"That'll have to come out." Tony muttered.

"Yeah it will. Let me see." Natasha said, appearing over his shoulder.

"Hey ya Nat." Clint whispered.

"Hush up you idiot." She sighed, probing his shoulder wound as Tony held him down so he couldn't thrash.

"Lady Romanoff? Is our Hawk well?" Thor asked, landing nearby.

"No. I need part of your cloak." Natasha told him.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Wanda ran over as Thor landed nearby with Clint.

"Are you alright?" She demanded.

"No... I want to go home." He whispered, not caring how much like his own children he sounded.

"We need to get you patched up." Steve told him.

"We have the stuff at home for it." Clint whispered.

"He's right. We can clean up his shoulder and patch up the rest of his injuries on the way there. I can't get the bullet out without cutting the wound open further." Natasha said.

"I can. It will hurt but..." Wanda whispered.

"Do it." Clint told her.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Laura!?"

"What's going on?" She yawned, sliding off the couch.

"Clint's hurt. We need the med kit." Natasha told her.

"Upstairs in our room. How bad is it?" Laura whispered.

"Bullet to the shoulder. Wanda got it out but we need to properly clean it up." She called, heading upstairs.

The door opened and Steve brought Clint in.

"Hey babe." Clint whimpered.

Laura gently hugged him before going to clear off the kitchen table. "Lay him down here." She called, tossing a plastic table cloth over the table.

"Is there something we can do?" Wanda asked, as Pietro rushed her inside.

"Pietro, run upstairs and check on the kids. Wanda, help Steve with Clint." Laura told them.

"Kids asleep?" Clint groaned.

"Yes sweetheart. Now hush and relax so you can be taken care of?" She told him softly.

Clint sighed and leaned back as Natasha came back with the Med Kit and Pietro came in with Nathaniel.

"He was awake and fussy." Pietro said, offering the baby to Laura.

"I'll go up to Lila's room and feed him. Nat, take care of him." Laura said.

"You know I will." Natasha promised.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Clint? Can you hear me?"

Clint cringed and tried to wave away the pressure he felt on his head... Until he realized the pressure was in his head.

"Get out!" He snapped, sitting up.

"Lay back or you'll open the bullet wound you idiot!"

He blinked and stared at Natasha before glancing at Wanda who was cowering nearby.

"Don't do that again." he whispered.

"I am sorry... I wanted to help." She whined.

He cringed and motioned for her to join him on the couch.

"Since Loki, I hate the idea of anyone messing with my head. Sorry." He told her.

"They told me. I know. But you had not woken up since you were given the Morphine." She whispered.

"Not the first time." He shrugged.

She curled up against him and he gently squeezed her as Pietro settled in on his other side.

"Where's everybody?" Clint asked.

"Thor, Steve, Nat, Laura, and the kids are all asleep. These two refused to sleep until we knew you were okay." Tony piped up.

"And you stay up to keep an eye on the household." Clint smirked.

"Somebody had to since you were zonked out... Dad." Tony teased.

Clint grabbed Tony's arm and dragged him into a rough hug. "Thanks you idiot." He muttered.


End file.
